The Very Secret Diary of Erik
by ILoanADogma
Summary: Erik's deepest and darkest thoughts... in a very humorous manner.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Tell me what you think. I need a humorous phantom phic. I thrive on your reviews! (And Erik needs them for daily nourishment!)

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Diary of Erik.

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New chick in the opera house. I mean, little girl. Because I am in no way having perverted, misguided thoughts that will eventually turn into sexual frustration and obsession... yeah.

Cute widdle petit girlie girlie... aw... she's so leetle and swmall...

Name's Christine.

Hmm. Father died. How conveinent. She's...crying? Aw! No! Don't cry! It's ok, Erik's here!

_goes off to comfort_

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How cuuuute! She calls me an angel! Hehe, I've always wanted to be one of those... stupid face. Ah well.

And not only does my widdle chwistine cry, she sings too! Nice tone, horrible technique... must remedy this by singing to her.

Aw... she likes it when I sing. Look at her leedle body just sleepin...

_Is not thinking perverted thoughts_

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You know, I think this chicka's hitting puberty. Seemed very touche... rather irritable as well. Told me to go away. Wah! That's never happened before. On the up side, pweeety voice. Maybe this growing up thing isn't so bad. She has gotten kind of pretty also... not a cute pretty... kind of makes me want to think perverted thoughts...

Maybe I should just wait...yeah...

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Ah! Look at my Christine! I can't believe she's gotten so big! I used to look at her and think "Aw...le petit Christine! She is so leetel! And petit!" And now whenever I look at her, it's like "HOT DAMN!"

I 'accidentally' watched her through the mirror again today.. Yeah, you know the one. Hey, I can't help it if she just decides to change while I'm there... I'm a complete victim to those whims you know...

Maybe I should seduce her into my lair now.

Nah...that'd kinda ruin the whole Angel of Music thing...

Plus I think Madame Giry's onto me. But maybe that's because on the last note to the managers it was on paper that I had made a sketch of... things... happening... oops.

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What to do today? Madame Giry says if I stay shut up in my lair (what she means is watching the ballet girls christine cough christine change again) she'll come down and really show me 'black despair'.

Hmm, I could always breathe down Buquet's neck. That's usually quite fun.

I could look in the mirror... my mirrow that is. Not Christine's. eh... nah. That's never fun.

I know! Time to SEDUCE!

A/N: haha! REVIEW!


	2. Chapter 2

Here we go, another installment.

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This whole 'seducing' thing needs to be planned carefully. Since I don't have much experience in that realm, am watching a video to help me. Madame Giry gave it to me, it's entitled 'Napoleon Dynamite'. I'm a bit skeptical about the techniques, but willing to try.

_Later_

Christine seemed pretty skeptical herself when I was dancing behind the mirror. They didn't show _that_ in the film. Got angry and decided that I do the wonky possessive thing best, should stick to it. Worked anywho. Madame Giry watched me steal the key beforehand... God I hate that ' I disapprove' look. She's just jealous 'cause I never visited _her_ mirror... Well, at least as far as her knowledge goes...yeah.

Don't think Christine likes my mannequin though... Wah!

Doesn't like my mask either, apparently. Nosy busybody tryin to rip off my mask... sniffle...

Didn't feel too bad though, since I totally stole her stockings while she was konked out. Haha, who has to tromp around the lair in bare feet? Not MY mannequin!

She seemed really sorry for the whole mask thing, though. Offered to make me turkey waffles.

They didn't show _that_ on camera either. Imagine me pushing her for taking my mask off! I was really angry because she nearly burned the lair down trying to make waffles... there's editing for you.

Hmm, now she's whining about being cold in the lair. Perhaps I'll... raise the thermostat. yeah... pppeeerverted thoughts...

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Och. She slapped me! After I had thoughtfully offered to heat her cold body... with mine... in bed... in a certain position I saw in a magazine. She told me I was the poster child for the evils of not getting laid. I told her then she should fix at least one evil in this world. She glared at me, and said she was going to sing a song with the fop on the roof just to spite me. She knows I hate heights...and fop.

She wouldn't.

...right?

Crap.

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Christine says she doesn't want to come back! Wah! I bet he offered to make her waffles...

The fop left his lip gloss on the roof. How irritating. It does smell nice, however. Perhaps I'll give it to the mannequin.

Fop also took my box. Very crowded tonight. Had to watch from the rafters. I hate heights. During stupid ballet was attempting to show Buquet how to lasso properly so he could try it with the choir girls when he leaned too far forward. Stupid dead Buquet.

Ah well. I'll just say I killed him and be done with it.

Pity, I kind of liked him...

That just means all his brandy belong to me! Hahahahahahahaha!

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Ugh. Got completely wasted. Woke up with the mannequin on top of me and stockings clutched in my hand. Shaving cream all over my face and insane giggling could be heard.

Damn you Christine!

Ah well... some kind of party coming up. I'll so get her back. And I won't resort to waffles. That's just low.

Nah, a little bit of sword poking and threatening should do that trick. I'm off!

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A/N: I kind of like these short, funny, sporatic entries. I think I'll continue. What say you?

If you're reading this and haven't read my phantom phic "Point of No Return", please do so and let me know what you think! Thankies!

Silinde

aka

Diana.


	3. Chapter 3

I admit this one is slightly shorter than the others. Ah well. When I'm in a funny mood, I just crank one of these out. One of my more random fics. But completely enjoyable! ;-)

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Just got done writing a dirty song for me and Christine to sing. Haha, someday they'll write a musical about me...

Now let's hope Madame Giry doesn't find it. My bottom still hurts from when she found me in a compromising position with the mannequin...

Doesn't like my mannequin for some reason.

WHY DOES NOBODY LOVE MY MANNEQUIN?

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Crap.

All I found to make my scary costume out of for the party was this bright... telly-tubby red. How unmasculine. Ah well, at least I have this cool skeleton mask. And I stole the fop's eyeliner. That should make this get-up totally more masculine. Hmm, now all I need's some glitter...

And a pokey-thingy...er, sword.

And a trap-door of doooom.

_Later_

Well, what a complete disaster that was. Was very close to skewering certain fat boys... Would have skewered, but little miss prissy decided to play coy with me...disgusting display of spite with the fop ensued.

"Oh! We're engaged! How wonderful!" little squirrels frolick about their feet

"Yes, how delightful my love!" singing faeries appear

"But alas! No one must know! Especially not the phantom dude!"

"Uh... ok"

"I know! I'll hide the big sparkly ring in my CLEVAGE! I mean come on, he'll _never_ look there..."

But I gave them my collection of dirty songs to sing, so no matter! Maybe Christine will get the hint...

It did hurt when she told me his waffles were better...sniffle And that my glitter was a poor attempt at being more like the fop...

"snigger snigger girly man...snigger"

Well at least I didn't come to the party looking like a large my-size barbie doll.

So I got slightly pissy and decided to walk back up the stairs, when I bent down to sneeze over one of the trap doors. Well, who would have thought that there's explosives in the opera house? I mean come on, what kind of moron puts explosive devices in a box, and then labels it in green marker 'glitter for erik'?

Hmm, maybe that's why the fop was backing away...

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My dirty songs opera isn't going to well. Especially with Christine. Then again, if I had to sing all these semi-perverted yet poetically pleasing lyrics about sex with a fat man I also wouldn't be as inclined to eat many waffles.

Though no one wants to stalk or obsess over a girl who's getting too plump on waffles, so perhaps this is a good thing.

Ack! He LOOKED at her! That's it.

Fat boy is going down.

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Review!


	4. Chapter 4

Here we go, another one.

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Can't get up to watch my opera rehearse. Have a sneaky suspicion Madame Giry was behind this. After all, these ropes attaching me to my bed are reeeeally tight...

Maybe she's trying to say something...

Dunno though. Christine seemed unnecessarily loud when she was banging around the entrance of the lair, talking loudly about how much she _enjoys_ singing dirty songs with the fop, and how he helps her _practice_.

Then she purposely let herself in (I think Madame Giry gave her a key), burned some waffles, and called out again

"Oh, I wonder where Erik is... hehe, maybe he's all _tied up! _If only I could see him, I'm feeling _sooo tired_... I'd just lay down right _beside him_..."

I hate you.

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Finally escaped. Am watching rehearsals with barely contained loathing. So bad, all of it. Especially fat man. He needs to stop eating waffles. Mayhap I'll keel him. Eh... wouldn't be able to replace him so easy with me. Either

A) He stops eating waffles

B) I start eating waffles

buut I'm too much of a sexy beast to eat waffles, soooo

C) I KEEL HIM!

In the meantime, this sucks. Carlotta sucking worse. Ha, I hear she sucks other things these days... coughcoughfatboycoughcough

I readwhat was just written.

Ewww...

Good thing I'm a sexy beast. Yet in the meantime I've nothing to do. I already pre-ordered my sexy you-know-you-want-to-tap-this don Juan costume from Jo Ann's. So there's really nothing to do...

twiddles thumbs...

Lead me... save me from my BOREDOM...

Hey! Look! A beetle!

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So, the awaited time approaches...

Sent Christine a note saying she better stop messing with lip gloss boy, or something reeeeally unpleasant was going to happen. She replied she was coming to visit me, though the fact the her response was on pink, flowery stationary that was personalized with 'Raoul de Chagney... President of Cherry Balm Exquisite' did nothing to sooth my nerves.

I have a sneaky suspicion... I think I'll follow her around and stuff.

_Later_

Ha! Visit me indeed. She's off to some graveyard or something. Fop was sleeping outside her door, but I stole his lip gloss. Unfortunately, it made him wake up immediately. I stalled him completely though by placing a large cardboard outside the stables, labeled 'Lip Gloss for Raoul.'

Once again, I was foiled by his stupidity.

"Wow! Lip Gloss for Raoul! I must show Christine at once!"

He's in such a tizzy he forgets the saddle. Stupid fop.

Glitter for Erik my cummerbund...

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Hate fop. Hate fop and his pointy stick. Hate Christine and her foreplay.

"No Raoul! Not like _this._"

Yeah, like that wasn't a pleading for me to leave the lair door unlocked tonight.

We all know who's getting what tonight... and it's not this phantom.

You'd think she'd have some pity, since I was the one who was viciously taken advantage of. For being a noble and all, he's pretty stupid. Even I knew the rules of engagement:

1) Fights for a love are to the death, or

2) Until one fighter draws blood from another

I totally won. Someone needs to look up 18th century dueling or whatever... Even if my sword WAS BENT...

No matter, I got him back.

Fed most of his lip gloss to his horse.

Ha, hope he has some strong laxatives for that thing...

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Thanks for reading, don't forget to review on the way out!

Also, please check out my phantom phic "Point of No Return". It's about Christine and Raoul's children, who really look nothing like 'daddy'. What happens when Erik comes back and mistakenly kidnaps the young Marie de Chagney?

Thankies again!

Silinde

aka

Diana


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